Mr.T's Be Somebody…or Be Somebody's Fool 
(As you go through the article, please click on the links for a truly interactive experience)

I am a Mr. T fan. I am also a self-esteem fan. It would seem, before 1984, that those two phrases could be anything but synonymous to one another. Who would have thought that Mr. B.A. "Bad Attitude" Barracus would be the one to satiate the impending eight-year old doom that is a low self-esteem, peer pressure, a desire to be the best breaker on the block and an urgent need to witness the new Bill Blass, Calvin Klein and Gloria Vanderbuilt fashions. As a ripe fledgling, impressionable eight year old, I already knew that I was different. Without Mr. T's help, I would never have developed into the self-assured, well adjusted and "Anger: use it, but don't lose it"-wielding self that I am today.

I first knew that something was wrong with me when I had a crush on the wrong boy at camp. He wore an orange jacket and had a blinking problem…a serious blinking problem. For all practical purposes, at age eight, a blinking problem was as good as being retarded. So I couldn't let my secret out. Much like the Two Gun Mathilda today, young Two Gun was only interested in horse-ridin', ropin' and wrasslin' (and writin'). My camp was called "Flying Horseshoe Ranch" - and it was located in Cle Elum, Washington. Unlike most ranches, instead of the average sort-of barn dance that many of you may have been used to (!?), our barn dances were solely vehicles meant to transport us to a higher astral break-dancing plane. As far as they were concerned, "Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo" was far more impressive than The Nashville Network (which, by the way has now been butchered into "The National Network" - a Christian Right-inspired bonanza….no longer offering up the preferred Square Dancing shindigs and Dukes of Hazzard reruns but rather Judge Mills Lane and Car and Driver Television).

Anyway, I learned many a break dancing move at the Flying Horseshoe Ranch, but never as many moves as I learned from watching Mr. T's Be Somebody…or Be Somebody's Fool (sadly I never got to do any Icy-Ices or Turtles with Blinky).I learned quite a lot from watching MRTBSOBSF in fact! Here are the three most important lessons that I took away from MRTBSOBSF (There are far too many to mention):

1. Stylin': "Everybody's Gotta Wear clothes, cause if you didn't, you'd get arrested." This is very meaningful advice, mind you - and clearly advice handed down from experience. No one who had not already been caught for indecent exposure would mention something as "absoludicrous" as that.

2. Recoupin':Recoupin' is what one must do if one does something completely absoludicrous...and must somehow rec"ou"perate from the embarassment. This is such an important lesson, and Mr. T's advice is extremely practical here. He shows us a method of recoupin' that we can use in our everyday lives. The scenario: A "little brotha" falls down...and then a fat man walks by and laughs at him for having fallen down. Now instead of teaching us that it is wrong to laugh at someone else's humiliation, Mr. T shows us through the montage, that the best way to recoup if one falls down, is to simply make the fall stylishly and seamlessly weave into a break dancing move. I tried it last year and it worked beautifully. 

3.Treat Your Mother Right: Here, the vignette opens with an uncomfortably corpulent and unattractive girl fighting with a very skinny and unattractive boy. The two try to cut each other down with "You're so fat", "You're so ugly," "Yeah well you're so skinny," jokes which eventually climax into one big "Your Mama" joke... What I find most interesting here is that instead of Mr. T explaining to the kids that it's completely inappropriate and damaging to yell derogatory comments at one another based on one another's appearance - he only makes a point of mentioning that it is inappropriate to speak of one's mother in such a context. He explains that "when you put down one mother, you put down mothers all over the world." He then proceeds to rap to us - with the help of some serious cue-cards. "Mother, There is no other, Like Mother, So treat Her right. Mother, I always Love Her, My Mother, So treat Her right, treat Her right. M is for the moan, and the miserable groan, from the pain that she felt when I was born. Ois for the oven with it's burnin' heat, where She stood makin' sure I had something to eat. T is for the time that She stayed up at night, and took my temperature when I wasn't feelin' right. His for the hard earned money she spent, to keep clothes on my back and try to pay da' rent. E is every wrinkle I put on her face, and every worry that I caused when I stayed out late. The last letter Ris that She taught me Respect and for the room up in Heaven that I know she'll get." 

This is ofcourse the inscription that my Mammy gets in her card every year on Mother's Day. Thanks Dr. T for helping to solidify what was already my unconditional pre-natal maternal bond!

It must also be noted that Ice-T helped create all the music for MRTBSOBSF.  The "Hot New Musical Group" New Edition makes an appearance in it - doing an unbelievably emotional song about peer-pressure. Valerie Landsburg of Fame also sings a song through which I always fast forward. For some reason it always reminds me of the Thornbirds...I'm not sure why. I guess it has to do with the beach and the isolation... Finally, Martika (of 'Toy Soldiers' stardom), as well as some additional Kids Incorporated compatriots, plays a huge role. And as Mr. T so eloquently puts it, Marta (as she was called back then) is a "real hot-dog."

For more of Mr. T's truly life-altering and life-affirming lessons, you'll have to get yourself a copy of MRTBSOBSF off of Ebay. Unfortunately, this little gem is out of print...as is the record that accompanied it. But if you're determined, you can get there little brotha. 

Buck up young cowboy! Mr. T was there for you in 1984, and he's here for you now...!

 
The author, beside both Mr. T and Mary Lou Retton, circa a few months ago... 
Less chains now, but still a stallion no less!