Possibly the reason that you did not "get it" is that you are English and that is one of your strange tics. Two Gun Mathilda believes that all English people have some sort of strange tic. Certain Brits have all out facial tics or speech impediments, but most have odd idiosyncratic quirks - quite possibly the reason why Two Gun Mathilda likes the English so much. So maybe your tic is that you cannot understand Two Gun Mathilda's offensive American pranks...

The only American state where I have found like-minded tic-ridden people is New Hampshire. Not only do they have the highest rate of mental retardation in the whole country - but they're a little wacky too. G.G. Allen came from New Hampshire. What more could one say about the state.

So if you would like to try and reverse said tic, the best way may be to ease yourself into American culture via New Hampshire.

Good luck and have a blessed day, Two Gun Mathilda

Jon in Germany writes:
Dear Two Gun Mathilda,

I have just recently completed my senior thesis on the subject, "Typed lambda-calculus in classical Zermelo-Fraenkel set theory." Why don´t girls like me?

Dear Jon,

It baffles me that you don't already realize why the fillies don't like you. "Typed lambda-calculus? Zermelo-Fraenkel set theory?" You, Mr. lonely, are a dork. If you were studying something that girls dig, like auto-mechanics or estate-planning, then maybe we'd have something to discuss. But until you shed your "smart-guy" attitude, then you're going to have to resort to jerking off in your lonely little German hideaway or paying the fillies to come your way. Do you smoke? Sometimes that's the first step. Start smoking and see if anything progresses. Tattoos and body piercings are also a plus.  Also, wear extremely baggy leiderhosen with no underwear.  From my experiences in your foreign land, I've found that carrying pieces of the Berlin wall around with you helps.  And, make sure your backpack is well stocked full of Kinder-surprise-s... Finally, make sure that you are nuthin' but pure - and that everything you ingest complies with the Rheinheitsgebot, the German beer and food purity law of 1516.  Remember, if it's not brewed with solely hops, malt, yeast and water, it's not for you.

Good luck and have a blessed day, Two Gun Mathilda

Armadelirious in New York writes:
"last year i inherited an armadillo from my late aunt margaret. in the time that we've spent together, we have grown very fond of each other. "leo" is my best friend. we go everywhere, and do everything together. i never thought i would find a more affectionate and understanding creature.

it hasnt been until recently i noticed my fondness for leo has grown past the "friends" stage.

i find myself staring at leo as he relieves himself, and really enjoying it. i know i really don't know you that well, but i feel very close to you after frequenting your site and reading about your encounters with Dr. Who the Vunderhoss.

my question to you is, do you think i should "make a move" on leo? i really want to give him as much pleasure as he gives me. would you know the best way to perform felatio on an armadillo? im thinking of turning leo into an "armadildo" after he passes, so i want him to experience what its like to be with a real woman before he goes.

thank you two gun, you've really saved me."

Dearest Armadelirious,

I apologize profusely for the extremely late response - Two Gun has been mighty busy recently. She went away to an advice-giving camp...and hopefully her many months of solitude, meditation, solitude, role-play, solitude, conflict and negotiation skills and solitude will be of use to you. Likewise, she hopes that her advice regarding your situation is not coming too late. She hopes that you have not yet turned Leo into an "armadildo." She hopes that you have not yet attempted to perform fellatio on Leo. And she hopes that you have not started relieving yourself in the same way that Leo does. Two Gun is not going to explain that, because quite honesty, she doesn't even know what that means.

But, moving forward:

Two Gun would like you to know some things about Armadillos. They are emotionally incompetent, like many humans. They sense if you are "pushing" a little too hard, or if you are "pulling" away. Did you ever think that Leo may not be emotionally mature enough to move your relationship forward? Maybe he is perfectly ok with you watching him urinate - and only that. Two Gun's last relationship, for instance, was based solely on this type of behavior. Two Gun wasn't ready to have the relationship move outside of the bathroom. Sadly, her love interest wanted more. He wanted to kiss and hug Two Gun. He wanted to hold her hand. And that is when Two Gun dropped him like an egg in an egg drop.

So Armadelirious, Two Gun asks you this: Are you ready to have someone else not be ready to emotionally commit already? I didn't think so.

Please, next time ask your Armadillo if he thinks things may be moving too fast. Chances are you'll find your armadillo has some reservations. Stick to friends. And don't ever, ever push him in a "But you said you'd call" manner.

Hope this advice as been useful.

Take care and have a blessed day, Two Gun Mathilda

J.P. Jones in New York writes:
"I can't seem to find a Website as hilarious, cool, and engaging as your's. What's a surfer to do?
This is GREAT, Two Gun!"

 Dear J.P.,

I apologize profusely for the inconvenience. Despite my disdain for helping out the competitor, I'm going to attempt to assist you in getting past this hurdle  ---  this time. Perhaps this will help: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/playground/theremin1.shtml.